Last August I started my monthly injections. I started them one at a time because I was still recovering from radiation which was really hard on my body. Not just my body but my heart and mind, as well. I had a pretty rough reaction each time I had an injection. On one of those evenings I was laying on the sofa in increasing physical pain and fatigue. I had cleaned the living area in our home which is very small and would normally take me 45 minutes max. It took me two hours and I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping. The emotions were on the back burner. I was just trying to be okay and have the first week of school be as close to normal as possible. I had a senior and a sophomore (first year of high school). It already wasn't. I had been texting a couple good friends who were trying to make plans for a girls trip with our girls. In that moment it didn't feel like I would feel good enough to go. We were thinking about a year in advance as the event we had wanted to go to that fall was cancelled. I had no idea what to say. I had cancer spreading at an alarming rate through my body. And thinking about a year down the road was more than my heart could take. The only solution I could come up with is that if we committed and if I wasn't feeling good, or heaven forbid - not here, that they would take my girls with them still. As I sent that text the emotions overwhelmed me and I got up to start dinner. Haha. Because life goes on and someone has to make dinner. Before I finished washing my hands my little sister texted and asked if I was okay. Normally I can find a way to be okay or make a joke and I feel better. It literally feels better just to have someone ask. But in that moment all I could say was "I'm not okay." She called immediately and I sat in the garage and ugly cried to her on the phone. She cried with me. I was so grateful she followed that prompting to reach out. She didn't know why. Neither did I, really. Until she called. But my Heavenly Father did. Before I did. The next day her husband sent me a thoughtful text and this video. Anyone who knows Jimmy Johnson knows how emotional he is, haha. I watched that video and cried. It was exactly what I needed. And it has continued to inspire me many days since then... It's worth the ten minutes and has lifted my spirits and reminded me of my personal power when it feels like I have lost and am losing so much. Tomorrow morning I will have my routine PET scan. I haven't had one since the miraculous one in January. And Saturday marks one year to they day that I was diagnosed with Stage VI breast cancer. Another story for another day. But today... I will laugh, I will definitely think (overthink because I'm an over achiever, haha), and I will find something to move me to tears... It will be a "heck of a day." Let's live, my friends. Not just live, but live well. Like Sid the sloth, "I choose life." Haha. I hope that each of you have a "heck of a day" as well. Love and light to you all. 🙏❤️ https://youtu.be/SHKzH6zR8xE I'm a bit slow with updating. After updating my sister she asked if I was "at peace" or just "numb" because I wasn't really emotional at all about it. I was grateful to her for putting my text description of everything into simpler form. And the truth was, I was both. And that is okay. So the PET scan itself went great. I didn't have a ton of anxiety like I usually do but that might also be because I had a brunch scheduled with Sandi afterward, haha. (But really... The BrunchHouse in Provo is fabulous!) There is always the worry as I walk out after all is said and done when I am no longer worried or focused on the prep and getting there on time. With each test the process is a little different... MRI's, CT's, bone scans, PET scans and biopsies, etc. Sometimes I panic that I'll forget which one I'm doing and forget something. For the PET scan it's fasting for six hours, but do drink water, dress warm, no exercise for 24 hours prior, low carb and high protein diet the day before, no meds unless your diabetic in which case you take them the night before and if you have anxiety/claustrophobia then you can request valium from your doctor but can't drive afterward. I do have a little but mostly try to take a nap and that after so many I'm getting good at deep breathing and zoning out, haha. the radiotracer that is injected and as much as I really don't mind blood draws or IV's now and then, having only one arm that can be used and two reliable veins that aren't very visible that have been used and abused really has now created more anxiety. Some sticks are great and others dig and after some very painful experiences and even some where I have passed out and getting poked so often I find myself going to my "safe place" more often than not. I used to be more willing for new medical staff or students to practice on me but anymore I just want it done with as little pain as possible because I know there are plenty more down the road.

Cancerversary

Six years ago on a Friday I met with a primary care physician to discuss my mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy results. That process "alone" was hard. I was younger than most women in the waiting area. Everyone else was there with a sister or friend or for routine mammograms. I had felt a lump months prior, tried to convince myself it was fibrous tissue or some other perfectly reasonable conclusion, some of which had come up in years prior. Nothing new. Nothing alarming. No big deal. But I knew something wasn't right. The lump had increased in size from the first time I had felt it. At that point I was a little panicky, but also avoiding reality. At the time I found the lump we were living in a condo in Payson. I was driving the kids back and forth to school in Salem daily. Two girls in elementary school and two in Jr. High. I was serving in the Relief Society presidency in Payson 8th Ward. (Another story for another day). We had moved there in June. Divorce from the first Nelson was finalized in September. I had really struggled with depression. And was learning about narcissism and unhealty vs. healthy behavior in relationships. I had finally brought up the abuse from when I was a child and was addressing that in therapy. The marriage and divorce had ripped those bandaids right offand reopened those old wounds (which had never been acklowledged or healed properly). So in a big way I can honestly say that things have happened as they should. I needed the healing to happen. But I knew something wasn't right. We didn't have insurance, we didn't qualify for government help and we were living on a very tight budget. We made things work, just as we always have, but I could not afford monthly premiums, even with Good Samaritan groups. I tried applying a few times over. I felt stuck and refused to start the process without some way to pay for it. I knew diagnostic testing would be insanely expensive. Thankfully I had first noticed the lump (completely prompted, I never did self exams before) when it was quite small, so even while it almost doubled in size, it was not huge. At this point I was very frustrated. I received another miracle. Through fasting and prayer my answer was quite literally "make the appointment and I'll take care of the rest." I say it so casually. I argued with the "thought" and again it came. "Make the appointment and I'll take care of the rest." How irresponsible is that? Haha. I laugh at myself now, lol. I'm not sure how many of you have argued with God but man, He sure is patient with me. After the third time I submitted. I had already researched the doctor I would see and committed to call first thing when they opened on Monday morning. When Monday morning came I couldn't do it. I started to research other avenues for some kind of insurance. The words came clearly, directly and stronger... not even a few minutes into my continuing search... "MAKE THE APPOINTMENT AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE REST." So I did. The receptionist told me that the doctor I requested was booked at least three weeks out. My heart sank. There was a pause and then she saw that there had just been a cancellation for Wednesday morning. Two days away. She didn't know my reason for scheduling an appointment yet, but kept saying "Wow. That never happens. Nobody every cancels with her... this is crazy, I can't believe someone just cancelled... this appointment was meant for you." I wanted to cry. Little did she know how literal it was. I was relieved when she didn't ask for insurance info in that moment. I applied for government assistance ... again. There is judgement even as I type this. And I know I need to let that go. Somehow. But I was truly proud of my independence. (Past tense, hahaha. I have been broken...) I have always been that way. If I can't do it myself then it is not an option. To ask for help (from anyone) felt like failure. I honestly was bracing myself for the notice saying that we didn't qualify for assistance. I went to the temple that morning, begging for a miracle of some sort, in any form... a job with benefits, winning the lottery (which I still hadn't completely given up on, lol), buried treasure or simply for the lump to just disappear, haha. When I came out of the temple there was a voicemail. I had qualified (another miracle that my application was reviewed and accepted so quickly!) and needed to attend a class about it. The entire call I waited for him to say that there was a mistake of some sort... that I didn't really qualify... but it never happened. I cried. HE kept His promise. Friday. April 1, 2016. April Fool's Day. The words of this song were playing over and over in my mind and the song on repeat... "Broken windows and empty hallways, a pale lit moon in a sky streaked with grey. Human kindness is overflowing, and I think it's gonna rain today... Scarecrows dressed in the latest styles, the frozen smiles to chase love away. Human kindness is overflowing, and I think it's gonna rain today... Lonely, so lonely. Tin can at my feet, I think I'll kick it down the street. That's the way to treat a friend... Right before me the signs implore me: Help the needy and show them the way. Human kindness is overflowing, and I think it's gonna rain today." As I get older some songs make more sense. I went to the temple again. The sky was beautiful. The day was beautiful. I was trying to stay distracted with pranking my kids and helped a friend prank her husband... it was fun. But in the back of my mind was this... feeling... I was sad. And worried. My sister Rachel had called out of the blue and for no reason a few days before. Just to check on me. She asked what was going on. I hadn't said anything to anyone but she insisted on knowing what was wrong. I thought I had done pretty good at masking my emotions but she picked up on my anxiety. It has happened a few times since and with my other sisters and family members, as well. I can't adequately express how grateful I am for them. I told her about my upcoming visit and that I was nervous. It was a huge relief to even say that much and gave me courage. I wasn't alone. I was reminded in the temple of who I am and where I came from and that gave me strength. Sitting in the doctors office, alone... was hard. I was hopeful still... but when the doctor came in and gently touched my arm and then made small talk to get to know me a little, I knew it wasn't good. The rest of the afternoon is literally in slow motion and a blur at the same time. I was fine until she left for a minute to allow me some privacy. Then Rache called. I couldn't hold anything back at that point and I was grateful to have someone cry with me but felt awful for being the reason she was sad. I called my parents on my way home. They were already on their way up for LDS General Conference. (My mom translates talks into Navajo...she's amazing!). A tender mercy. They were already on their way and almost half way here. My brother Gabe and his daughters were scheduled to arrive with in a couple hours also. Gabe was attending a missionary reunion and asked sometime prior if they could stay with us. Having him and his sweet girls there that weekend was a huge comfort and another tender mercy... Genesis, who was seven at the time was so sweet and volunteered to do a lemonade stand to help us out. She comforted my girls and kept them busy being "kids" for a little longer... What seven year old does that? Shares that kind of compassion? I spent that evening calling the rest of my siblings and sharing the news. Hours of crying. Hours of receiving comfort, connection and love. It was exhausting but I was so grateful for each of them. The next day was LDS General Conference. There were a lot of emotions. The first song that was sung was one I had always loved but didn't know well. As I listened to the words that morning it was exactly how I felt... exactly what I needed and again... as I get older some songs make more sense. "Come, thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace; streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise. Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above. Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, mount of thy redeeming love... Here I raise mine Ebeneezer; hither by thy help I'm come; and I hope, by thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home. Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God; he, to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood... O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above... Here's my heart, oh take and seal it, seal it for the courts above." I cry every time I hear it. Quite literally I wanted Him to heal that which was broken. Quite literally I was giving all that I am... Later that day I received a message from a girl I had done cheer with in high school. We weren't close back then and had no other reason to really keep in touch other than being friends/acquaintances on Facebook, haha. She messaged that she felt prompted to share something with me and asked for my address so she could mail it. I assumed she had heard from one of the few people I had told about being diagnosed with breast cancer. She had not. She simply had been trying to do better at following promptings. And she had been prompted to share with me. She sent me some artwork and a journal with a girl in a pink dress on the front. It was perfect. You guys... sometimes God uses the last person you couldn't imagine just so you KNOW that it is HIM. That He has not forgotten you. To ensure that you KNOW that you are not alone... It's crazy and a bit of an oxymoron, and I joke because I know that He feels this way about everyone (I do about my own kids, haha) but sometimes I feel like I'm His favorite. LOL. It's true! I AM His favorite! Hahaha. (And so are YOU, lol). He's so good to me! Amidst all the chaos and crazy trials I know without a doubt that He has comforted me, blessed me, gifted me, loved ME, supported me... He has corrected me, guided me, protected me and has truly answered my prayers. Some prayers almost instantly! Little miracles on the regular. I've gone through so many emotions and so many phases of grief... I have been the sassy, bratty child that has tantrums and gets angry with him. The complaints have been legit, hahaha. But without fail... HE HEARS ME. And I know He hears you, too. I'm looking forward to listening to the council that has been prepared this weekend. What I absolutely crave and have need is the validation that He remembers me, He has not forgotten me, He knows me and He has a plan for me. I know, it's basic. Simple. Everything else is "extra" in my book. I've learned so much in my journey with cancer. I'm grateful to be here, still learning... As much as I dislike the consequences of this disease for myself, my kids, my family and for others I know, love and admire, I cannot deny the miracles, the growth, the character gifts that I have received, the life lessons, the spirit lessons, the answered prayers, the amazing warriors/healthcare providers/people I have met and connected with, the love I have felt and even the healing that has taken place in my spirit and soul because of the work I have had to do. Would I wish to do it again? NO. Would I wish this on anyone? Not even my least favorite person in the universe! Would I change any of it? NOT A CHANCE. I am a different person now than I was before I was diagnosed. I'm grateful to those who celebrate that growth with me, who stick by me even when I don't do this gracefully. I'm grateful to those who don't judge (well maybe they do a little LOL) but greater than their judgement is their love and compassion. It's been a bumpy ride and I am truly grateful for all who have supported and loved me at any level. So on this Friday? Exactly six years later, I celebrate. I will celebrate this anniversary. I am grateful. Grateful to be here. Grateful for the hope that exists. Grateful for tender mercies. Grateful for angels, in heaven and on earth. Grateful for miracles. Grateful for a loving Father in Heaven. Grateful for the breath in my body and the healing taking place. Grateful for the knowledge given to help me in my healing journey. Grateful for friends. Grateful for each of you and the opportunity to receive comfort and support in this way. Grateful for my family. My kids. My siblings and parents. Grateful for a reason to want to be here. Grateful for a reason to stay. Grateful for my ancestors, for their help and the legacy they have left. Grateful for a loving and generous Father and Mother in Heaven. Grateful for the His son, Jesus Christ. I cannot express adequately my love for them and praise them in all things. "Human kindness, is overflowing...", "Take my heart, oh take and seal it, seal it for the courts above." Much light and love to each of you. Embrace the good that is here. Celebrate each day. Find joy in little things. Watch for God's hand in your life. You might be surprised and what you find. :) (This was going to be a journal entry. It is loooong... and could have been much longer. I'm grateful I created this page for this reason, haha, so not everyone has to scroll by it if they'd rather not read. Thank you for reading and for being a part of my life and my journey. Namaste).

Between The Rainbows And The Rain

3/10/2014 Yesterday was the 9th anniversary of the passing of a legend. A rodeo man, a true cowboy. A very talented musician an excellent performer and song writer. A great man, a country boy. To the rest of the world, anyway. He was also someone's husband, someone's father, someone's hero. He chose his family over fame and fortune. And he will always have my respect. I was first introduced to his music by my neighbor at 15 years old. Is it funny that I still remember that moment? I had been babysitting their kids and we were talking as I was leaving and she asked if I knew who Chris LeDoux was. I didn't. She was so excited to share with me! She screamed in shock and and kept saying "Oh Suzie, you'll love him!" over and over while she found the CD to play for me. The song she played was County Fair. And I LOVED IT! A few months later they were going to one of his concerts a few hours south of where we lived. She invited me to go, she was so excited! It was just her and her husband and I felt awkward about that, I was also really shy and wasn't sure what we'd talk about for 5 hours of driving, lol, so I declined and stayed home to watch their kids. They brought me back a signed autograph, lol. It was so sweet! I think I still have it. There was such a crowd around Chris that they figured the picture was good enough so they began their exit. On their way out they ran into Chris's son Clay, and had him sign his dad's photo for me. That hung on my bedroom wall until I moved out of my parents home. :) As I began dating and making the "list" of things I was looking for in a man music was always on there in some form. I do love music. But I found over those years of dating that I never spent much time with anyone who didn't know who Chris LeDoux was, lol. I almost subconsciously made that one of my requirements. It was always one of the questions I'd ask at some point if I really liked someone. I remember the time I asked my Brian if he knew who Chris LeDoux was. He was a bit of a renegade, a claassic rock n roll kinda guy. He listened to AC/DC, Metallica, all the old school rock so I was completely floored when he answered. He replied with listing all of Chris LeDoux's albums and his favorite songs. LOL. I remember the day Chris Ledoux passed away. That same neighbor stopped by with a plate of cookies for me. We both cried. Anyway, anytime I think of Chris LeDoux it reminds me of my Brian. So today, as I was reminded about Chris LeDoux and the day he passed away, my mind was also with my love. I miss him.

Every birthday after I married him, I would wish on my birthday candles that we could always be together always. Every year. Every cattle guard. Every shooting star. Every dandelion. Every wish chip. Every lucky bite. Every lucky spoon... Sigh. I still do. I miss you, B.

Saying Good-bye

I wish I didn't fight it so badly. The truth is I take every opportunity I can to say good-bye now since Brian passed. I didn't get to say good-bye to him. I didn't get to say anything. Not even "Love you." He was up and gone before I was even completely awake. So I say it. I do. Yet still, I fight it. The anxiety builds. It's partly the desire to keep things "upbeat" and "happy." Some people request that. And that is good. But in my heart I really just want to lay down next to them, to hold them. To tell them that I love them. And cry.

"Karma's a b*@*#!"

How many times have I heard that?

So in meditation this morning I almost laughed out loud. When this thought flowed into my mind. Karma doesn't have to be a bitch. She doesn't. Karma can be the kindest and sweetest ever. Or she can be funny and genuine. Or she can thoughtful and giving. Because she is what we make her. What we give is what we receive. It is a law of the universe.

That's what meditating does for me. Gives me great moments of insight, hahaha. :)

SOMETIMES... out of the blue...

SIGH. It's been awhile since this has happened. And I'm not sure to whom I owe the thank you card. I'd like to thank SOMEBODY, haha. My old friend grief. As I've referred to him in the past. How am I ever surprised at his arrival? As my brother commented just before I logged off of Facebook. It isn't "sometimes... out of the blue...". It's ALWAYS out of the blue... It made me laugh out loud. He's right. It has been sometime since I have had tears hit me this hard, not being triggered by anything in particular. Ya know? I talk about Brian often. I read quotes everyday about loss. Love and loss. It's nothing new, really. To me. As I was brushing my teeth, sitting on my bed and trying not to let snot and tears get mixed with the toothpaste, I was thinking. (Which I don't know why I do, because it doesn't have to have a reason really, but nonetheless, I over think it). But I was thinking "why?". Why am I sad RIGHT NOW. It was kind of those sweet comments made by my an old friend on Facebook. It was kind of that video I watched of Jason changing Jax's diaper for the first time. It was kind of the blog post I read and commented on. Maybe it was kind of my subconscious realizing that the holidays are here? Maybe. Kind of. Sigh. Maybe it was kind of the accomplishments of the day. I finally ordered a shower door for my shower and in a girly kind of way felt like that was an accomplishment because I spent so much time trying to find the right one with the right measurements. I even watched a video on how to install them, haha. I called all the medical billing offices for my ER visit. THAT was a huge accomplishment and task that I'd been avoiding completely. Sigh. It was such a relief to get it done and get a few paid. I paid more bills. I made dinner. I made a homemade breakfast. AND I made home lunches. It was a good day. I accomplished a lot of things I needed to cross off my list and a few that just make me feel good. Like home lunches. A mommy date to Walmart with Gracie and helping Bree learn a song on the piano. So am I crying because it was a productive day and I feel relieved? Or am I crying because it was a productive day and I'm lonely? Or am I crying because it was a productive day and yet it wasn't enough? (As I type I am sitting on the floor, almost in the doorway of my room because I sold my small desk to make room for a better fitting desk, but still need to sell the other desk and the only desk left is bulky and the only spot it will fit in my room is the corner where all the boxes sit, still unpacked there contents unsure of where they belong, sigh). My list is still never ending of things I don't know how to do, things I am very capable of doing yet don't have time to do and things I simply don't want to do but need to? Not to mention the loving mother I want to be. I want to be less stressed. More joyful. Less distant. More present. And the older my children get, the more I worry. What have I lacked in teaching? In my example? Did they need more repetition? OF COURSE. And I didn't follow through. Sigh. I did fall short, I know that. Before the remarriage/divorce I did a lot of teaching, scripture study, family home evenings. I had an excitement and less doubt. I had trust and hope. In my weakness and recovery did they lose hope, too? I know I am not as strong as I once was. Sigh. And here we are with these struggles. It is getting better, and I thank my Father in Heaven for that blessing. But we are still far from "safe." Sigh. Yet. Wasn't it just yesterday I was telling myself that I haven't been this happy in awhile? A long while? I truly am, haha. I haven't been this content and at peace for years. Or ever, really. And for that I'm pleased. But in this moment. Sigh. For whatever reason... not sometimes, but always... out of the blue... all things point to you. I love you. I miss you. And I hope today was a good day wherever you are...