SOMETIMES... out of the blue...

SIGH. It's been awhile since this has happened. And I'm not sure to whom I owe the thank you card. I'd like to thank SOMEBODY, haha. My old friend grief. As I've referred to him in the past. How am I ever surprised at his arrival? As my brother commented just before I logged off of Facebook. It isn't "sometimes... out of the blue...". It's ALWAYS out of the blue... It made me laugh out loud. He's right. It has been sometime since I have had tears hit me this hard, not being triggered by anything in particular. Ya know? I talk about Brian often. I read quotes everyday about loss. Love and loss. It's nothing new, really. To me. As I was brushing my teeth, sitting on my bed and trying not to let snot and tears get mixed with the toothpaste, I was thinking. (Which I don't know why I do, because it doesn't have to have a reason really, but nonetheless, I over think it). But I was thinking "why?". Why am I sad RIGHT NOW. It was kind of those sweet comments made by my an old friend on Facebook. It was kind of that video I watched of Jason changing Jax's diaper for the first time. It was kind of the blog post I read and commented on. Maybe it was kind of my subconscious realizing that the holidays are here? Maybe. Kind of. Sigh. Maybe it was kind of the accomplishments of the day. I finally ordered a shower door for my shower and in a girly kind of way felt like that was an accomplishment because I spent so much time trying to find the right one with the right measurements. I even watched a video on how to install them, haha. I called all the medical billing offices for my ER visit. THAT was a huge accomplishment and task that I'd been avoiding completely. Sigh. It was such a relief to get it done and get a few paid. I paid more bills. I made dinner. I made a homemade breakfast. AND I made home lunches. It was a good day. I accomplished a lot of things I needed to cross off my list and a few that just make me feel good. Like home lunches. A mommy date to Walmart with Gracie and helping Bree learn a song on the piano. So am I crying because it was a productive day and I feel relieved? Or am I crying because it was a productive day and I'm lonely? Or am I crying because it was a productive day and yet it wasn't enough? (As I type I am sitting on the floor, almost in the doorway of my room because I sold my small desk to make room for a better fitting desk, but still need to sell the other desk and the only desk left is bulky and the only spot it will fit in my room is the corner where all the boxes sit, still unpacked there contents unsure of where they belong, sigh). My list is still never ending of things I don't know how to do, things I am very capable of doing yet don't have time to do and things I simply don't want to do but need to? Not to mention the loving mother I want to be. I want to be less stressed. More joyful. Less distant. More present. And the older my children get, the more I worry. What have I lacked in teaching? In my example? Did they need more repetition? OF COURSE. And I didn't follow through. Sigh. I did fall short, I know that. Before the remarriage/divorce I did a lot of teaching, scripture study, family home evenings. I had an excitement and less doubt. I had trust and hope. In my weakness and recovery did they lose hope, too? I know I am not as strong as I once was. Sigh. And here we are with these struggles. It is getting better, and I thank my Father in Heaven for that blessing. But we are still far from "safe." Sigh. Yet. Wasn't it just yesterday I was telling myself that I haven't been this happy in awhile? A long while? I truly am, haha. I haven't been this content and at peace for years. Or ever, really. And for that I'm pleased. But in this moment. Sigh. For whatever reason... not sometimes, but always... out of the blue... all things point to you. I love you. I miss you. And I hope today was a good day wherever you are...