"Namaste"

It was about one year after the accident that a friend suggested I try a yoga class. We had been on the drill team in high school together and shared a love of dancing and she explained that yoga/pilates had a very 'rhythmic' feel to it that she just knew I would love. :) Dancing was something that I still did on my own, not anything formal by ANY means, lol. Just turning up the music and dancing around the house with my kids was something I really enjoyed and did especially when I felt overwhelmed and stressed out. It also helps when I feel myself slipping into the depths of despair, although I don't always think of it when I'm already down. It is very much an 'out' for me. At the time she suggested it I had been a widow for one year. It was the most difficult year of my life trying to figure out WHO I was and WHAT I wanted. I felt out of place everywhere I went. I had already been in a relationship, and out of it. And that alone was very devastating. My first day of yoga class was very uncomfortable. I remember feeling very self conscious about even attending. Very self conscious about what people might be thinking of the choices I was making. I was very uncomfortable with where I was, my situation and everything about it. I didn't feel like I belonged. I felt out of place everywhere. I didn't know any of the ladies very well. I didn't know any of the moves. I didn't know what to expect at all. By the end of class I felt a deep sense of relaxation. Something that I hadn't felt in a long, long time without the help of medication. That in itself was an accomplishment for me! I went for one month, then periodically after that. Yesterday was my first day back in almost one year and I am determined to be more consistent because it helps me stay calm, centered and focused throughout the day. Something about all that deep breathing! Lol. Seriously, there is a spiritual connection somehow in doing yoga, I can't quite pinpoint it, I just know I need it and it helps me to heal. TODAY, I learned part of why that may be. The instructor was helping us with handstands. I've done handstands before in my life. They were no big deal at the time but for some reason, I didn't know if it was because it had been so long since I'd done one, or because I think I'm old and old people don't do handstands haha, or what, but I felt panic! I immediately stepped back, afraid of putting myself in a position that was uncomfortable. It was definitely out of my comfort zone. Afraid of not being able to control my body and afraid of hurting myself somehow. Afraid of being upside down? Lol. I know it sounds retarded! But I was! Logically it didn't make sense. I have an intense fear of heights and I was feeling those same feelings that I get when I see someone standing too close to a cliff edge. But WHY? I was on stable, flat ground and my head would be even closer to the ground...it was my feet that would be up-not even 'high', just UP. Lol. So I listened to the instructor as she was giving us pointers to work into the position. I listened but knew that I didn't want to do it. Then she said something that struck me. I knew that this was what my problem was. TRUST. You have to TRUST yourself. You have to TRUST your body and it's abilities. You have to TRUST your partner/spotter. It hit me hard. I knew that trust was something I struggled with, but enough to make me afraid of doing a handstand? Apparently so. In that moment I realized that this 'yoga' thing was more than just a calming/relaxing/stretching thing. This was huge. This was a step in learning to trust myself and my instincts, to trust others, to trust God. In that moment I was determined to conquer this fear of trust. To trust in God again. It wasn't pretty but I did it. WITH help and spotting. But I did it. Not even a complete handstand. She saw my fear and had me start in a forearm stand. Good enough. Baby steps. And with time I'm planning on not just doing a handstand, but being confident and comfortable (not TOO comfortable, haha) in that position. {Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong inthe presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven D&C 121:45} Later as we were doing stretches on the floor something again made an impression. It was something I already knew but hadn't related to spirituality until she said the words. The instructor was helping us to get a deeper stretch, which to do this she instructed us to LET GO and relax the muscles, the body knows what to do. It sounded simple enough but really took concentration to let the muscles relax and to leave them relaxed. It almost seems backwards, doesn't it? To have them do as little as possible they will gain the best stretch and really lengthen. Weird concept (maybe it's just me). And she was right, as I relaxed and let go of the control I suddenly felt a much deeper and more comfortable stretch without really trying. In this moment I thought of my control issues. They were present before the accident but since the accident had erupted into a force to be reckoned with. I felt so out of control that I overcompensated and attempted to control as much as I possibly could in my life. Partly for fear of loss, partly in grief from losing Brian and Linda, partly for safety and security, and partly because I was lacking in trust. I'm sure there are other reasons that I haven't figured out yet... To say that you trust in God is one thing, to TRUST HIM is another. To LET GO and truly trust that He will take care of me, having no fear in what the future holds is my goal. As evidenced by handstands and yoga poses. ;) {Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5} {For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7}

Everything Is Beautiful ~Ann Marie Boskovich

In the end, after the storm, the fog, the chaos. After the fear, the pain, the tears. Comes the peace. Through it all my perspective has become clearer, just as the world does in the moments after a storm. Suddenly it seems as though colors are brighter and more vivid. A rainbow appears, the dark and terrifying clouds of the storm behind it, reminding me that it's beauty was not possible without the storm that preceded it. Life is beautiful. Even in the eye of the storm there is beauty...