The Infinite Power of Hope

For my scripture study today I picked a talk that I'd printed out forever ago. As I looked at the date I vaguely remembered this conference. November 2008. I remembered crying through most of it. I haven't read it until today. I LOVE it. So now I will mark my scriptures up!

My TESTIMONY.

I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love Him. I know He hears me. And I know He cares. I know without a doubt that he answers my prayers. Sometimes I feel like a spoiled child because it seems that EVERY thing I have asked for, I have received. Just as the scriptures say Luke 11:9-13 "And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. If a son shall ask break of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent? Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your Heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?" I know that the things that are important to me, are also important to him because He wants me to be happy. Even and especially the little things, the details that shouldn't be so significant to anybody but are to me. From burned fingers, to foot injuries, to dog issues, to finding matching socks (irnonically this prayer was a pretty desperate one, but was STILL answered...), to locating important papers, to making the budget work, finding encouragement and hope, my list goes on and on of prayers that he as answered. Most often times through other people. Through the past few years I have learned over and over that specific prayers will receive specific answers. One of my favorite quotes is "God is ANXIOUSLY waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe.” We must believe that He will. I continue to learn and relearn many lessons and most recently my lesson learned is to "BE STILL and know that I am." That when things get hectic and I feel like I'm not getting answers that all I need to do is pray, stay calm and be patient for the answer. While remaining calm. THAT seems to be the hard part for me because I am continually telling myself that "If I don't do this, who will? This is MY responsibility and nobody else's" etc. I think that many times I say my prayers and then jump up to get to work answering my own prayer. And I'm not so good at answering prayers. It's very hard for me to let someone else take control of my life when lately it seems like I have had no control. I overcompensate and try to gain as much control over everything I possibly can. My poor kids. :( The truth is I've had control all along. Just not how I was expecting. I may not completely remember the conversation in which my earthly trials were discussed, and I'm honestly glad that I don't. But the truth is I CHOSE THIS. And the truth is that given the chance I would not give these experiences back or trade them with anyone. The truth is I am SO very grateful for the opportunity to struggle and to be humbled because when all is said and done it has driven me to gain a stronger relationship with my Father and with my brother, Jesus Christ. Just like in the Book of Mormon. I've heard comments about people not liking the war chapters, and it's true, there's a lot of disgusting behavior and sadness in them. I, personally, happen to love them. Not for those things but for the very specific prayers voiced and the very specific answers given. It seems to me that the times when they struggled the most are the times when Heavenly Father sent miracle after miracle. I am so grateful for the specific prayers that He has answered for me. I want Him to know that I love Him with all my heart and am so grateful for his love, trust, patience and faith in me. I am so grateful for the tender mercies He gives me daily. I am so grateful for this gospel. For the commandments we are given that if followed really do lead to true happiness. I am so grateful for the Book of Mormon. I testify that it IS TRUE. I'm so grateful for the examples of the people who lived and struggled and believed and had hope and faith, for the prophets who sacrificed and loved and taught them. I'm so grateful that they wrote their stories down so that I could read them and apply the lessons they learned and the teachings they were given into my own life. I testify that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God. I'm grateful for him for having the courage to stand alone. For enduring the persecutions he endured. For the dedication he had to our Father in Heaven and for his desires to do as he was asked. He didn't have to. He could have said "this is too much" and walked away, but he didn't. Because of his love for Heavenly Father and Jesus, for his family, and for us. I'm grateful for his sweet Emma. I'm so grateful to my brother Savior Jesus Christ, for loving me enough to dedicate his existence to save me, to carry my burdens, to comfort and sustain me with his hand, to wash away my sins and heartache. He promised that he will provide. And He has, in so many ways. I love Him with all my heart and I bear this testimony of Him. I KNOW he lives.

The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ

Today I finished the Book of Mormon. I cried through the entire last chapter. It's not the only time I cried. So many emotions. I cried for the people. The degrees of wickedness are not mine to judge, but regardless, the suffering and torture they endured and pain and agony they inflicted upon each other was hard to read about. Hard to imagine. For Mormon and for Moroni it must have been heartbreaking. Heartbreaking and lonely. I cried for them. I wonder if Moroni cried as he reread the epistles his father sent to him. I wonder if he included them because he missed his father so much. If in sharing them he felt somewhat closer, and a little less alone. I know that a great prophet like him knew that God was with him. That Christ was strengthening him and lifting him up. But as I have lived through my own trials I know that this knowledge does not make you exempt from these feelings or the trials of life. I cried because I didn't want it to end. There were so many moments that I would try to imagine what it would be like. The details of any one persons life were not given. But these people lived. They had lives. They had daily experiences. Daily hardships. Daily goals. Just like me. There were many widows throughout. I often wondered what she longed for. A loaf of bread? Like the one that sits on my counter? That may have been all that she prayed for that day. A blanket or clothing for her child? The clothes in my closet could clothe her entire family, cousins, aunts and uncles included. The blankets in my closet could again, protect more than one family from the elements. There is so much that I have. Is it retarded that I wish that I could share what I have with people who have been dead for centuries? SIGH. And yet I can. I can share with those in need now. As I prayed afterward I DID ask. I asked if the book was true. I felt silly, because I knew that it was and knew that I didn't need to ask to know of it's truthfulness. But I am glad that I did. I did get an even greater confirmation. Nothing huge. But thoughts that came to my mind. I wished that I could thank Moroni and Mormon, and all these great prophets in person. I imagined myself embracing each of them in gratitude for the sacrifices they made so that I could have this book. So that I could read of the teachings of Christ. So that I could be uplifted by their strength, by their love, by their examples. Again, I cried. I thought of a journal entry after a session with Pam when she shared with me that Brian was doing a great work. "October 5, 2009. Brian was here today. He was here along with native american ancestors who are concerned about their family. They are working together. Part of the work Brian has to do on the otherside is with them, especially now in allowing this family to heal." I immediately remembered a fifth Sunday adult meeting in 6th Ward when the topic of couples serving missions was taught. As I sat next to him that day I laughed as he commented about the mission we would to serve together one day. Without hesitating and in a teasing voice (but I was mostly serious at the time) I replied that we are not serving a couples mission. I told him that there is no way that the two of us would survive spending 24 hours a day seven days a week together and that we'd end up divorced if we weren't by then anyway. I told him that I was fine to forgo my dream of serving a mission in order to save our marriage. Then end. (With a chuckle). There aren't many moments that he didn't have a response and that was one of them. The look on his face made me feel bad about being so blunt. I cried remembering this, knowing that what I said was true. We would never have the opportunity to serve a couples mission together. I cried in regret, for him and I. These thoughts filled my mind in moments, as I prayed, and I was filled with love and compassion for him. For the great work that he is doing for me AND my family right now. And just as quickly came the thought that we can. We can serve that mission. That as he works on the other side of the veil to bring my ancestors to the gospel, that I can serve with him. We can serve together in a very nontraditional couples mission with a the very same purpose. This thought led back to those I had of the widow, or the child or any mother or sister in the Book of Mormon. I can share. I can share more than a loaf of bread. I can share more than a blanket. I can share more than clothing. I can share something even more dear, and even more important. I can share this gospel. I can share my testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and the prophets who wrote it. I can share my testimony of Joseph Smith who translated it and restored the Gospel of Christ on this earth in our latter days. I can share the existence of a Father who lives and loves me. I can share of the tender mercies he continually pours down upon me and my children. I can share the love that I have for His son, Jesus Christ. My brother. My saviour. My friend. My supporter, my advocate, my ally, my redeemer, my defender, my protector, and my comforter. I can share....

"Namaste"

It was about one year after the accident that a friend suggested I try a yoga class. We had been on the drill team in high school together and shared a love of dancing and she explained that yoga/pilates had a very 'rhythmic' feel to it that she just knew I would love. :) Dancing was something that I still did on my own, not anything formal by ANY means, lol. Just turning up the music and dancing around the house with my kids was something I really enjoyed and did especially when I felt overwhelmed and stressed out. It also helps when I feel myself slipping into the depths of despair, although I don't always think of it when I'm already down. It is very much an 'out' for me. At the time she suggested it I had been a widow for one year. It was the most difficult year of my life trying to figure out WHO I was and WHAT I wanted. I felt out of place everywhere I went. I had already been in a relationship, and out of it. And that alone was very devastating. My first day of yoga class was very uncomfortable. I remember feeling very self conscious about even attending. Very self conscious about what people might be thinking of the choices I was making. I was very uncomfortable with where I was, my situation and everything about it. I didn't feel like I belonged. I felt out of place everywhere. I didn't know any of the ladies very well. I didn't know any of the moves. I didn't know what to expect at all. By the end of class I felt a deep sense of relaxation. Something that I hadn't felt in a long, long time without the help of medication. That in itself was an accomplishment for me! I went for one month, then periodically after that. Yesterday was my first day back in almost one year and I am determined to be more consistent because it helps me stay calm, centered and focused throughout the day. Something about all that deep breathing! Lol. Seriously, there is a spiritual connection somehow in doing yoga, I can't quite pinpoint it, I just know I need it and it helps me to heal. TODAY, I learned part of why that may be. The instructor was helping us with handstands. I've done handstands before in my life. They were no big deal at the time but for some reason, I didn't know if it was because it had been so long since I'd done one, or because I think I'm old and old people don't do handstands haha, or what, but I felt panic! I immediately stepped back, afraid of putting myself in a position that was uncomfortable. It was definitely out of my comfort zone. Afraid of not being able to control my body and afraid of hurting myself somehow. Afraid of being upside down? Lol. I know it sounds retarded! But I was! Logically it didn't make sense. I have an intense fear of heights and I was feeling those same feelings that I get when I see someone standing too close to a cliff edge. But WHY? I was on stable, flat ground and my head would be even closer to the ground...it was my feet that would be up-not even 'high', just UP. Lol. So I listened to the instructor as she was giving us pointers to work into the position. I listened but knew that I didn't want to do it. Then she said something that struck me. I knew that this was what my problem was. TRUST. You have to TRUST yourself. You have to TRUST your body and it's abilities. You have to TRUST your partner/spotter. It hit me hard. I knew that trust was something I struggled with, but enough to make me afraid of doing a handstand? Apparently so. In that moment I realized that this 'yoga' thing was more than just a calming/relaxing/stretching thing. This was huge. This was a step in learning to trust myself and my instincts, to trust others, to trust God. In that moment I was determined to conquer this fear of trust. To trust in God again. It wasn't pretty but I did it. WITH help and spotting. But I did it. Not even a complete handstand. She saw my fear and had me start in a forearm stand. Good enough. Baby steps. And with time I'm planning on not just doing a handstand, but being confident and comfortable (not TOO comfortable, haha) in that position. {Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong inthe presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven D&C 121:45} Later as we were doing stretches on the floor something again made an impression. It was something I already knew but hadn't related to spirituality until she said the words. The instructor was helping us to get a deeper stretch, which to do this she instructed us to LET GO and relax the muscles, the body knows what to do. It sounded simple enough but really took concentration to let the muscles relax and to leave them relaxed. It almost seems backwards, doesn't it? To have them do as little as possible they will gain the best stretch and really lengthen. Weird concept (maybe it's just me). And she was right, as I relaxed and let go of the control I suddenly felt a much deeper and more comfortable stretch without really trying. In this moment I thought of my control issues. They were present before the accident but since the accident had erupted into a force to be reckoned with. I felt so out of control that I overcompensated and attempted to control as much as I possibly could in my life. Partly for fear of loss, partly in grief from losing Brian and Linda, partly for safety and security, and partly because I was lacking in trust. I'm sure there are other reasons that I haven't figured out yet... To say that you trust in God is one thing, to TRUST HIM is another. To LET GO and truly trust that He will take care of me, having no fear in what the future holds is my goal. As evidenced by handstands and yoga poses. ;) {Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5} {For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7}

Everything Is Beautiful ~Ann Marie Boskovich

In the end, after the storm, the fog, the chaos. After the fear, the pain, the tears. Comes the peace. Through it all my perspective has become clearer, just as the world does in the moments after a storm. Suddenly it seems as though colors are brighter and more vivid. A rainbow appears, the dark and terrifying clouds of the storm behind it, reminding me that it's beauty was not possible without the storm that preceded it. Life is beautiful. Even in the eye of the storm there is beauty...